I Love and Hate My Depression

I Love and Hate My Depression

If my relationship with depression had a Facebook status, it would definitely be ‘it’s complicated.’ My conflicting emotions about mental illness are not conventional nor straight forward. This is why…

I hate my depression.

I hate the way its relentless power can control my every thought. It physically and mentally exhausts me, stealing the little energy that I have and my enjoyment of things that were once fun.

My depression has been the foundation of my self-destruction and the explosive big red button to numerous friendships. It disguises my personality and has robbed my will to live on far too many occasions.

I hate the way it tightly grips my mind, weighs down my being and pokes at my tear ducts until they burst like a riverbank. It is a dark force that casts a convincing spell and creates a cesspool of confusion, anger and fear.

It exercises its strength with a fierce persistence, creating a black hole that absorbs all sign of life. If it’s not leading the devil at the front of my mind, it is lurking in the background, quietly influencing every decision and waiting to pounce and sink its claws into me at any moment.

I hate that it interferes with my relationships and makes them all the more difficult and complicated. Depression is an ugly illness that makes the feeling of love both a blessing and a curse. It is cruel, overwhelming and extremely convincing when it tells me I am worth nothing and everyone would be happier without me around. I feel guilty for seeking constant reassurance and emotional reassurance. I’m sorry for my lack of trust. It makes me feel like such a burden. Without trying to sound like a walking cliché, it’s not you, it’s me.

I hate that it put me in hospital and wastes away my days by confining me to my bed. Worst of all, I hate the worry and concern it conflicts of my family.

I love my depression too.

Have you ever heard the phrase, ‘You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness’? There’s an odd sense of comfort in feeling sad because it is familiar to me. I like things that are familiar because uncertainty scares me. I don’t like the unknown. As much as I want to be happy, it can provide false hope. I try to make the most of my ‘good’ days, but there is always a part of me that is on edge of high anxiety because I know depression can take control at any moment. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for it to resurface.

Depression can make you feel vulnerable, so it’s easy to be lulled into a false sense of security. It’s like someone opening their arms to you in a desperate time of need and then suddenly turning their back on you without warning.

Depression is my bully, but it is also my friend. My most loyal friend that never leaves me. A dark space that is created just for me is always ready to catch me when I fall. It is the angel and the devil on both shoulders. It is a persistent and constant entity, and I know what to expect. I didn’t know it was possible for something to make you feel so safe and unsafe at the same time. It convinces me that it will protect me, even though depression itself is the danger.

Who am I?

The illness has the talent to make you feel so alone. However, I am worried without it, I will feel even more isolated. Its darkness has engulfed me for so long, my diagnosis has become such a large part of me that I am scared as to what I am without it. Who would I be without OCD and depression? Without my antidepressants, will I simply revert back to the mess and I was pre medication? Would my psychosis return? I’m overflowing with questions I don’t know the answers too and I am beyond frustrated.

This is a vicious cycle that I hope I have done my best to explain. My fear of recovery is not a logic I can justify, but I will push on and fight to get better. It’s do or die, and I will not be manipulated or beaten by mental illness.

 

Share:

14 Comments

  1. Matt
    02/05/2017 / 12:48

    You must be a mind reader! How have you written how I feel. Brilliant read, brilliant writing just brilliant

  2. Xx
    21/04/2017 / 10:02

    Fascinating piece with raw honesty

  3. Anon
    15/03/2017 / 13:32

    This is incredibly moving and is so alike to how I feel too.
    Totally dissolved in to tears! Your writing style is beautiful, its a great blog and thank you Meg for your advocacy

  4. Pixel
    15/03/2017 / 13:30

    I just want to say thank you. You have summed up exactly I feel when I don’t have the words. it’s beautifully written and I can relate to this. I have Bpd depression and anxiety and I am dyslexic so you can say thing I don’t have the ability to yet I feel the same so it means so much to me. truly thank you xx

  5. Faisal
    06/03/2017 / 19:41

    Hi Meg. This is another beautiful blog post. The content might not be beautiful but the post is beautiful and unique because of honest you are. It’s so brave of you to talk about and write about Depression because it is a hard subject to discuss but you explain really well about how you feel. I just want to say though you are definately not a burden Meg. I know that Depression can make us feel this way but you are a big blessing to this earth. I reckon there are many people out there who love you and care for you and not just your family but others too. You have some very unique qualities that are rare to find in people nowadays such as all your hard work with “Be Kind To Your Mind”. I know you do it to help others and that is a very kind thing to do. My point is you are worth something and WORTHWHILE and NOT A BURDEN. Sorry for the caps but just really wanted to highlight that.

    I really like what you said about trying your best and not letting Depression manipulate or beat you because it’s positive and I always tend to think that 1 of the first steps is that a persona has to want to get better and that shows me that you have that. Carry that attitude forward Meg and I hope 1 day you will get lots of happiness!

  6. Paul
    05/03/2017 / 22:11

    You have an art when it comes to writing. You have given me an understanding of depression. Well done, great blog.

  7. Lulu Blue (@LuluDigitale)
    05/03/2017 / 22:01

    Meg, each time I read your blog, I’m taken aback. You astonish me with your talent for words. You express yourself very clearly. You are a gifted writer. I’m speechless.
    Or almost speechless….Because, as you know by now, you’re in for a long comment (and chat!).

    What you describe about depression is something I’ve experienced most of my life and have read or heard from many others who suffer. In spite of some particular shapes and forms that depression can take with each individual, these are most common effects and I think most of us feel this love/hate with it.

    Just like you said, it becomes so much part of what we know best, that the unknown possible recovery sounds terrifying – and all your questions are more than valid.

    I believe in your capacities to recover – your post about psychosis shows your amazing inner strength in the face of your worst fears and your capabilities are HUGE. Really, you came thus far, from the depths of your own sub consciousness and you’re still here with a beating heart and that amazing gift of yours for words..
    .
    It says a lot about you, and I believe that once you do recover, you will be like a mythical creature, being reborn, or a flower that finally blossoms after a long winter. You are already such a survivor, and it’s so important that you truly embrace your inner powers for healing. I hear echoes from your stories, echoes from my own, and this is why I can say this with no doubt, because I recognize your possibilities for great things, you will get there – the question is not IF but WHEN.

    Remember these: your true friends will always be there for you. Even those who don’t completely understand the nature of your illnesses, but do care, will stick around, help you when you ask, or wait for you when you take a break. Ask you how you are when they notice that you’re not there. Those who live near enough will come and check on you in person.

    Your family has a role in helping you, loving you, and you can accept that you are in no way a burden. It’s tough to ask for help, I know that very well, but once you learn to do so, from them or friends or even strangers in a store, you’ll see that many will be there to help.

    I repeat: you are not a burden. You are entitled help, so don’t hesitate to reach out and ask for it.
    And I also repeat this: You are a survivor. You are strong. You are cared for & loved, by many. You can recover. You will recover.

    Yours with lots of affection,

    Lulu

  8. 05/03/2017 / 21:20

    This is such a powerful post, this is beautifully written and so heart felt. I truly admire you for sharing this, it’s so pure and cuts to the core. Thank you for sharing a post that so many can relate to. Your inspiring the world. XO

    Elle – ellegracedeveson.wordpress.com

  9. 05/03/2017 / 21:19

    This is a very elegant way of expressing what so many people with mental illness feel! I know I’ve definitely felt this way; where I’ve been doing better, and my sense of identity goes out of the window. Like you said, if I’m not depressed or ridiculously anxious over the smallest of things, then what am I? Thank you so much for writing this post!

  10. 05/03/2017 / 20:58

    Such a powerful and interesting post to read. Thank you for sharing your story! x

    Jeff. | NAMELESSJEFF

  11. Robyn
    05/03/2017 / 20:45

    This was a very powerful post and you are incredibly brave for sharing your story!
    Robyn xx

  12. Damian
    05/03/2017 / 20:37

    That was a very powerful post and very honest. That is exactly what depression does to you and I am glad you are not letting it get you down. Writing and publishing something like this is a therapy in itself. It helps you in that you are talking about it and others because they can relate. I can relate to that piece. Very well done and be proud 🙂

  13. 05/03/2017 / 20:21

    Powerful post. I commend you for doing this type of post – it’s not easy to be vulnerable and express your personal struggles. I admire that you see your depression in a positive light, and not just a negative one. That takes a lot of courage. Much Love. x

  14. 05/03/2017 / 20:18

    I found this really interesting to read! Depression is clearly a very personal and internalised issue which affects people in different ways and which can be perceived differently by those affected by it!

    I’m glad you are empowering yourself and taking back the power by writing this post!

    Antonia x

Leave a Reply